Dear Tamara:

I have been apart from my ex-boyfriend for a year now but find myself at times thinking about him. We dated off and on for 3 years before I decided to break up with him. The last couple of months of the relationship had not been going well, and the final straw came when I found out that he was secretly communicating with my co-worker. I found text messages between the two of them, and though none of them was sexual in nature, I was very hurt! I couldn’t believe that he or she would betray me like that. She and I were acquaintances, and she knew that he and I were in a relationship. I am still very bitter, although, I’m doing much better than I was when I initially found out. I think part of my reason for not being able to move on is because I have not been able to find a stable relationship since. I didn’t deserve this from either one of them and can’t understand why they did this. And I thought I would be in a better place by now, it’s been a year! I need some advice.

D.C.

 

Dear D.C.

It is common to think about an ex after a breakup. Just because you breakup with someone does not mean your feelings automatically change overnight. It can be a process, even if things ended on a sour note. Don’t beat yourself up for that, but, I encourage you to not let these thoughts consume you. Because you are still bitter over the situation, that’s pretty much what you are allowing these thoughts and feelings to do. Your inability to find a new relationship may be deeply rooted in your inability to let this past relationship go completely. You are blocking your own way. You cannot put something in a space that is already occupied. In other words, you cannot move on with a new relationship until you resolve and dissolve your feelings of bitterness. The last thing you want to do is to start a new relationship carrying old baggage.

For whatever reason, it seems you need or want closure or understanding as to why this happened. Unfortunately, you may never get that kind of closure. Racking your brain trying to figure out “why” is like beating your head against a brick wall, it is useless, and you are the only one bleeding and in pain.

The two of them are responsible for their own choices. And now you have a choice, you can stay stuck in bitterness or you can learn from this situation and move on. I commend you for loving yourself enough to end a relationship that was not good for you. Continue on that path of self-love by releasing yourself completely. Let go of the bitterness and move on. Take this time to work on you and get yourself together. Once your heart and mind are clear, you open up the path for something and somebody new.

 

 

 

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